Bachelor Week

After my trip to NC I returned home to an empty apartment.

Very sad. I know.

Kelsey was busy meeting celebrities, eating unlimited amounts of food, and getting free treatment in a Hyperbaric Pressure Chamber. Oh and waking up at 3am, working 13 hour days.

Either way...she wasn't home leaving me with the entire apartment (so much space, I know) for a WHOLE week. So begins, my BACHELOR WEEK.

At first, I enjoyed having the space and time to myself. I could lie in the middle of our bed and sprawl from one side to the other. I didn't have to clean up dishes and clothes immediately, but could wait and do it on "my time." I could sit and play a video game or watch episodes of "Sparticus" or "Kitchen Nightmare" on the computer.

That was nice for about the first afternoon. Then things started building up. There was so much to do. Errands, groceries, gym, meetings, guys night, cleaning the litter box. Then came the realization that I had run out of clean silverware...I realized that having two us means there are two people to get everything done! But I felt so unmotivated to really do anything. Even cook. I went through 18 eggs and 4 cans of tuna in the 5 days that Kelsey wasn't home. Pitiful.

It took me back, so quickly, to last summer when I was living in Marie's apartment all by myself. It was miserable. I go to work, come one, am by myself, try to figure out something to do...eat some dinner...figure out something else to do. Go to sleep. Wake up, do it all over again.

Before Kelsey left, I had been planning on cooking for myself a couple of nights. Knowing that Kelsey wasn't going to be there, and I would be the only one eating, I thought it would be a good opportunity to "experiment." But once she was gone, it just felt kind of lame to cook for myself. I remember thinking, "what fun is cooking if I have no one to share it with." This immediately took me to the idea of communion and the ongoing conversation about food that I have been having with myself and people around me. While I love to cook....I think I have realized that it's not so much the food itself and cooking itself...but being able to share it with someone.

I'm not sure what to think about this. At first, it seems good. I want to share, I want to do things for people, I want to serve. But I also want to show off, I want to be praised. Is it's value only in other people? I thought about when I do cook for myself and Kelsey. I always want to hear what she thinks. I bug her endlessly with questions and probes as to what she thinks. Most of the time her initial response of, "it's really good!" or "it's good" isn't good enough for me and I ask for more.
"Well what do you mean???"
"Is it too salty?"
"What about the sauce?"
or I will try to lead...
"Eh, chicken is a little over cooked."

I sense a longing for her feedback.

I think part of it, is truly my desire to get better. I have to know what I'm doing wrong to do something better. I also don't think I trust my own ability to critic. Sometimes things all taste the same to me. I'm not exactly a picky eater and will devour just about anything put in front of me. While recently watching the finale of Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution, there was a scene where local Los Angels Chefs were presented with "typical" school lunches. They were all like, "Ewww" "I don't even want to touch it" "I'm scared to take a bite" "It doesn't have a smell"....and I was sitting there thinking...."I'll eat it!" I wouldn't quite describe myself as a "foodie" (nor am I trying to become one).

In most things I have done in my life "evaluating" myself has been fairly easy. Baseball. You have batting avgs,  on base percentages, and field percentages. It's pretty clear when you make an error and when you don't. When you get a hit and when you strike out.

However, with these new experiences, cooking, photography, design, even teaching...I'm starting to notice how softly I step, in fear of landing on a loose rock. I'm not sure how to navigate. What bothers me is I feel the need to excel. I'm trying to come to terms with the idea that, it's just part of the human experience. But it still feels shallow to me. I want to be able to just do and just create without worrying if it's good or bad or if I will look foolish. I want to be able to choose to do it for myself.

I was left with the curiosity of how, if Kelsey was gone two weeks, week 2 would have been. After I worked out my need to rebel and got tired of my own mess. Oh well. I'm glad she's back :-)

I was out of tuna...